I have an application on my phone called MyDays, which is a period tracker. It's actually proven dead useful - once I used it for a month or two, it figured out my cycle and now predicts it to the day. Very neat.

The only thing is that I'm fairly certain that it was designed for women who are trying to get pregnant, so not only does it predict your periods, but also shows you periods of high fertility and also the day of ovulation.

Which is... strange. For me, anyway. Because I'm now weirdly aware of my own fertility, and I'll be standing in line at Berkeley Bowl and thinking "I'm fertile right now," and the sight of the brown organic free range eggs in the cart in front of make me feel queasy.

It's neither here nor there - I'm not trying to get pregnant, obviously - but it's a strange thing to know and think about when you never really previously gave it much thought at all, despite a long standing nickname* of "The Fertility Goddess."


*My voluptuous, buxom figure and willingness to discuss sex and sexuality without any shame was the source of much love and affection when I was in college, and I earned the nickname "The Fertility Goddess" among my friends, which I loved and wore with pride. It led to some minor confusion and embarrassment when, at a party, an intoxicated acquaintance (not understanding where the nickname came from) because convinced that I was pregnant and ran around to the other drunk party goers, declaring "Carmen's pregnant! Carmen's pregnant!" as I ran around correcting her.

I am only now finally getting around to trying to post thoughts about those polls that I posted last week. I meant to write sooner, but... life happens.

Anyway, this is not going to be very coherent, mostly because I'm still digesting/thinking about these ideas myself, and I wanted to document my thoughts, provide some sources/readings to mull over, and generate some discussion. And NONE OF THESE IDEAS ARE SET IN STONE. I'm thinking out loud. If you disagree with me, tell me - and tell me why. Offer alternate ideas.

When I Started Thinking About This Stuff

I started ruminating over street harassment (and its relationship to gender, women's bodies in the public sphere, etc.) when I came across a documentary about a woman who took street harassment into her own hands, and fought back... with a camera. (Like Holla Back, but from a decade ago.)



What I found so fascinating is the reactions of the men who she confronted. Some of them were distinctly uncomfortable with what they felt was an intrusion into their space with her camera... an intrusion that came from their initial harassment.

I had a bunch of conversations with a lot of different people about this topic. I had one conversation where I started off asserting that street harassment was a manifestation of male entitlement. He argued with me, until after an hour of discussion, I managed to convince him that if the goal for verbal harassment isn't actually getting a date, and if it is an intrusion of a woman's privacy/space/etc. simply because she's out in public and has the unmitigated gall of being female, then that is born of entitlement, and he agreed with me.

So I decided to do some informal polling.

Now, the polls that I did weren't exactly scientifically accurate, but I was really just looking to see if I could get an idea for the experiences of my readers. From that data:

1. I have a lot of female (and female-presenting) readers, and my readers have a lot of female readers. :)
2. Of the women who answered my poll, only 3% said that they had never experienced any form of street/public harassment. Conversely, 97% had experienced it at least two times in their lifetime; just over 54% of the total respondents had experienced it over ten times.
3. The offenders were overwhelmingly male.
4. Just under a third of respondents, at some point, confronted their harassers in some way. 95% of respondents at some point did nothing or walked away.

(Btw, from now on, I'm going to use "women" as shorthand for female-presenting.)

From some more formal studies, found here:



Some comments from the ensuing threads that I found very interesting:

Most of these encounters happened in my teenage years, but from the age of nine on, I don't think there's been a year in my life that hasn't included someone grabbing my ass on a bus or a car full of guys yelling, "Nice tits!" at me.

There's also the issue of whether I'm presenting successfully. If I'm clearly presenting female, I get one type of harassment (sexual, supposedly based in desire), if I am presenting masculinely, successfully or not I get another type of harassment, based in humiliation or making me female, either because I am "supposed to be" or because it's a way to emasculate a supposedly male individual.

I've broken this down for male friends before (who were all stupidly surprised) - bad incident (enough to upset me a lot) maybe once every 6 months/year; minor incident (enough that I'd tell a friend) - maybe once a month; someone unwantedly talking to me - maybe once a week; someone unwantedly noticing me - every day (anonymous)

My situations have always been of the kind where you get the sense where they're not so much ogling you as mocking you, you know? So I've always done nothing because I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing they got a rise out of me. You know, like, I'm walking to class in pajama bottoms and mussed hair and my glasses and no bra under a t-shirt, and some dumb ass guy in a car with his friends says "Hey baby looking good" and they all laugh as they drive away. (anonymous)

My Personal Experiences

I started developing earlier than most girls, and had breasts at a fairly early age. Ever since then, it felt like open season on my body. Middle school was mostly taunts and jokes, high school was more of the same, except for when two guys on two separate occasions in two different clubs that I belonged to grabbed my breasts. As I got older, I experienced my share of catcalling, and once on the Metro had the unpleasant experience of a man rubbing up against me. There was also a time when a van full of guys drove past me as I picked up cans that I had dropped on the ground. They screamed "Nice ass, bitch!" out the window. I responded by running down the street, meeting them at a red traffic light, and hurling my shoe at the van door, Nutcracker-style.

Having talked to a lot of people, I felt as though my experiences, while shocking and uncomfortable, were fairly common for women. Hence the polls. I wanted to confirm that it wasn't just my imagination. Unfortunately, I was right.

Separating The Offenses

Paul and I had a discussion about this, back when the poll was still active. He pointed out, rightly, that the things that I had listed as street harassment actually fell into two distinct categories: verbal harassment and physical harassment. And while they may be born of the same place, they have some different features.

Verbal Harassment
(Catcalling, Whistling, Honking, "Hey Baby," etc.)

Done in groups
Thrives on group reinforcement
More socially acceptable
Not illegal
Goal: Power

Physical Harassment
(Unwanted frottage, groping, etc.)

Usually solitary
Thrives on not being seen/noticed
Less/not socially acceptable
Illegal (though not always taken seriously)
Goal: Sexual Gratification (& Power)

Verbal Harassment

I'm guessing that a lot of women, like me, know the kinds of men who catcall. Often times, they're in groups (construction workers, frat boys, etc.). They're not "serious" about what they're saying... in other words, if a guy in one of these groups says "Hey, baby, wanna go bang in my backseat?", they're not expecting me to say "Yes." If I did, they'd probably faint from shock. If I look flustered and embarrassed, but ignore them, then they've gotten the reaction that I wanted. If I respond with anger, then they've really gotten what they wanted.

There's also peer reinforcement. For example, if Paul were in a group of his friends, and he catcalled a woman who walked by, his friends would look at him like he'd lost his mind. But in a group where that sort of behavior is laudable and funny, the approval of peers is a powerful incentive.

So, you might say that, in a case of a lot of verbal harassment, the gratification is not so much sexual, but about power.

This is not to say that some verbal harassment doesn't escalate, and that verbal and physical harassment can't be done by the same person. I've definitely heard of men who were rebuffed by women who didn't want to date/fuck them getting angry, even violent, and I know that sometimes these two kinds of harassment collide. I think that they're born from a similar places - entitlement, dominance, asserting the "right" to women's bodies in the public sphere.

There's also a lot to be said for context. Verbal harassment from a group of men in the middle of a crowded street at noon is far different than a group of men, at night, in an isolated area. Also, a wise commenter on Feministing made this point:

On the other hand, something as simple as "hey beautiful" won't feel threatening to all women depending on the context and her personal history with violence, but what gives men the right to voice that evaluation to a woman's face as she walks by?

(And, because this has come in discussion since I originally posted it... within the context of the thread that this comment originated from, the commenter is very likely referring to verbal harassment, not a legitimate compliment.)

In talking to different people about these ideas, I had a very long and interesting conversation with my friend Todd (who gave permission to have our conversation quoted here).

Todd: Well, my thinking is that there's a key component of harassment that usually goes male -> female, but not vice versa
And that's the implied level of threat
Because I've been groped publically, several times
But I've never felt threatened

Todd: Let me tell you another story
( ... below the cut )
Todd: But, yeah
A "fuck off, loser," response fits into the acceptable reactions
Laughs all around
Pulling a camera out isn't Playing The Game "right"

Physical Harassment

For another blogger's take on what to do in case of physical harassment, I turn to one of my favorite blogs, Jezebel, and this short piece entitled When You're Not Sure If Someone Is Masturbating Against You In A Crowded Subway.

I'm not a terribly violent person, but I have threatened to break several sets of fingers in response to unwanted physical contact. I wasn't always like this - I "took" the groping in high school, as if I deserved it, as if it was okay. (Obviously, it's not. But it took me a long time to learn that.) But what's funny - not "ha ha" funny, but "God, the world blows" funny - is that once I took the power back into my own hands ("If you touch my butt again, I will break your hand."), I was suddenly labeled as a "crazy bitch." In many of my experiences, my choice was to either take it or fight back. Taking it seemed too passive to me, and so I fought back - and was instantly (verbally) knocked back down into my "place" again.

The thing about physical harassment is that instead of there being a threat of violence or a play at power, there's actual violence going on. These individuals are actually getting off on the harassment, and I think it's safe to say that they can be qualified as sexual predators. Misogyny is part of this problem, but it isn't the entire problem.

Other Things

There are ideas that have been presented that I haven't even really touched on, but should be discussed. rm, quoted above, made the comment about presentation. When zie presents successfully as female, the harassment that zie receives is presumably from the misogyny that we've been discussing. But when zie presents as male, the success of that presentation can result in two other kinds of harassment... "based in humiliation or making me female, either because I am "supposed to be" or because it's a way to emasculate a supposedly male individual." So this discussion doesn't just pertain to misogyny, there's also hatred of trans/genderqueer folk at work here.

Another person quoted above mentioned "humiliation" as another tool used - so, instead of "hey gorgeous," there's some sort of sarcasm/cruel language being used to mock the woman. Chances are that when this happens, she falls outside of society's narrow definition of "attractive," and in the exact experience that the anonymous person mentioned, she was not prepped for the male gaze (hair messy, PJ bottoms and no bra, etc.). I think that this probably comes from the same place as what we discussed before, though the presentation is slightly different. It's still about entitlement and dominance, with a little cruelty thrown in for good measure.

Someone else just made another point - I haven't really addressed culture at all. Does anyone have any insight into that?

Another friend has just messaged me and pointed out that I missed a very key word - "terrorizing." Do you think he's right? Using harassment as a way to provoke fear and constant dread when women go outside... is that the right word, "terrorizing?" He says "Men very much want to know that women are thinking about them. Even if they're not with them." Do you agree?

Solutions?

In India, the rising female workforce has faced such harassment that they developed female-only commuter trains.

As the morning commuter train rattled down the track, Chinu Sharma, an office worker, enjoyed the absence of men. Some of them pinch and grope women on trains, or shout insults and catcalls, she said. Her friend Vandana Rohile agreed and widened her eyes in mock imitation.

...

Up and down the jostling train, women repeated the same theme: As millions of women have poured into the Indian work force over the last decade, they have met with different obstacles in a tradition-bound, patriarchal culture, but few are more annoying than the basic task of getting to work.

The problems of taunting and harassment, known as eve teasing, are so persistent that in recent months the government has decided to simply remove men altogether. In a pilot program, eight new commuter trains exclusively for female passengers have been introduced in India’s four largest cities: New Delhi, Mumbai, Chennai and Calcutta.

(Also, apparently there have also been female-only commuter trains in Japan for a while now.)

On the surface, this would seem like a decent solution. If the majority of victims are female, and the majority of offenders are male, certainly giving the women their own space is a good idea?

I feel the same way about these special women-only commuter trains that same way I feel about self-defense/rape-prevention classes - good idea! People should always have as many tools and resources at their disposal as they possibly can.

But I also feel like there's something being missed here. Femin-ally recently posted a tongue-in-cheek list that more or less encompasses the real solution to the problem.

Sexual Assault Prevention Tips Guaranteed to Work!

1. Don’t put drugs in people’s drinks in order to control their behavior.

2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!

3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!

4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited.

5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON’T ASSAULT THEM!

Similarly:

Street Harassment Prevention Techniques Guaranteed to Work!

1. If a woman is walking out in public, don't catcall her.

2. If a woman is standing next to you on the subway, don't leer at her.

Etc.

So perhaps we shouldn't be putting the burden of expectation on the woman being harassed, but rather the men who would harass her. How can we take steps to work against the idea that these behaviors are okay?

Resources and Links

Stop Street Harassment - a fairly comprehensive website where people can share stores, create maps to pinpoint problem areas, and lists of resources and information (including Is It Harassment?).

Right Rides - A group that gives women, queer, trans, and genderqueer people free rides home on Friday and Saturday nights. From the website: We started RightRides in 2004 in direct response to an increase in assaults on women walking home by themselves. Our motto is, "Because Getting Home Safely Shouldn't Be A Luxury" and we recognize that many women and LGBTQ people do not have the extra funds to take a taxi and walking home from public transportation late at night can increase one's risk of sexual harassment and gender-based assault.

Because, despite its flaws, my body is awesome. Seriously. I've got awesome curves, and I'm solid and squishy and fun to hug and cuddle. And my skin is lovely and tans easily, and my eyes are pretty, and my hair is wavy and fun, and I can stretch and dance and jump around. Yay!

I've always been a jeans and t-shirt kind of person. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I just always automatically went for comfort, and when it became difficult to find clothes because i was that in-betweenie size (14/16), I just sort of stuck with what I knew.

But I've been inspired. Reading about Beth Ditto, and watching fatshionista, and seeing firinel's OOTD updates have inspired me to experiment with some new looks, and some old ones.

I went shopping last weekend, and did extremely well (Ross is my friend, apparently... I had no idea). This first outfit, which I wore on Thursday, is almost entirely new, except for the shoes, which were my bridesmaid's shoes from Jon and Kelli's wedding.

Apologies that the image is in black and white; the lighting was so insanely bad that the image's colors were completely messed up, so I just dropped all of the color out because the outfit was black and white anyway. (I'm going to try to shoot in natural light, when I can, in the future.) The shirt is white, the skirt is black and white, and the shoes are silver. Unseen: I was wearing these cute black leggings underneath, which made A WORLD of difference when it came to wearing the skirt. Not only did it make me feel a little less exposed, but there was no annoying thigh rubbing. Yes, my thighs rub when I wear skirts. Whatever.

( Outfit #1 )

The only thing that I think would have worked slightly better for my legs is this very plain pair of black pumps that I own. The reason I didn't is because I didn't fancy running around the office (and later that evening, San Francisco) in heels.

This is another random outfit that I wore earlier in the week, all from things that I've had for a while. I like it because it suits me a little better - I love the vest, and prefer the pants to the skirt. It definitely reflects a different mood, in any case.

( Outfit #2 )

So, thoughts that I am having:

1.) Feelings about the outfits in general?
2.) Anything you think could be improved?
3.) Recommendations for where to buy cheap black leggings? The kind that I wore under the skirt I found at Target, and are technically tights, and were, like, $12, but I know that people have found and can find actual leggings for around $8. I just don't know where.
4.) I think I like the pants look better, even if the skirt is really cute, but I don't know. Thoughts?

Honesty is encouraged, because if I'm wearing something ridiculous, I'd like to know. :) However, as usual (WHY DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY THIS?!) fat-shaming, etc. will be met with open hostility and flesh-eating scarabs. And a banhammer.

But I froze a couple of threads in my last post.

Mostly because I can't handle fatphobia (I'm looking at you, myrch) on a Monday morning when I have to go to work and I'm stressed as hell because I can't find a roommate and ARGH. *tears hair out*

You know what? I'm overweight. And I'm healthy, and I'm hot. So just stop.

rm has written a really beautiful entry/essay about women's bodies and lives as perpetually escorted, and how it relates to Prop 8 and sexism and other things. I managed to not cry for most of it - only read and get an uncanny sense of familiarity and immediate understanding - but the end really got me. It struck me because it was true, because it was well-written, and because I know what she means. I've felt it, even if I've never had the words to articulate it.

Sometimes, people ask why I'm so public on my journal or why I want so badly to be famous and successful. There are flip answers to that, that you've surely heard me give. Oh, you know, like everyone in this business, my mother never loved me enough or No secrets, no blackmail are two of my favorites.

But there's a third answer. A truer answer. With a female body and a queer heart, my life was always going to be public anyway.

Amen.

Almost got into a major car accident because I thought there was a squirrel in my car. Turns out it was a sweatshirt. Don't ask.

While at Target, I spent 23 minutes trying to decide between brands of underwear (and cursing in frustration that they've stopped selling the kind that I really liked), only to realize that the endeavor was pointless: the "plus sized" underwear was god-awful ugly (white granny panties, WTF?), and the other kind was cute and colored and had all kinds of different cuts and looked totally hot on the model but didn't come in my size (well, underwear sizes are sort of subjective - the packaging suggested that possibly I would fit into an 8, but since the models were all really super thin I had no idea if the cut would look good, or what an "8" actually entailed, etc.). That led to this particular mindfuck:

Me (in my head): Wow. That underwear looks super-cute/hot on that model. That would look super cute/hot on me. *pause* That's stupid. I don't look like the model on the package, I just WANT the model on the package. Oh, that underwear looks cute. She looks hot. I should buy that underwear... goddamn. I am not the model.

Then I'd turn to the condescendingly named "Just My Size" brand* and they're all unflattering cuts and stupid colors (white, pink, floral... give me a break) and I'd think "over my dead body," and then I'd turn back to the other kind, and the cycle would start all over again.

I didn't buy any underwear, in case you're wondering. I bought a seven dollar iron and salsa and bread and a picture frame to replace the one that I broke with a tennis ball.

*... and can we talk about this for a second? Just My Size? What is this, some kind of three-foot-tall-Barbie-meets-Fisher-Price-tea-set-for-children? They make underwear for grown women. You're not marketing them to fourth-graders. Sheesh.

I don't know if anyone on my f-list watches The Big Bang Theory, but the most recent episode had the lovely Sarah Rue in what appears to be a reoccurring guest role (a very sexy, forward doctor). I love her because she's this curvy, plus sized redhead and she's SO HOT. It's so rare that you see plus sized women in any role even remotely resembling this one (sexy, positive, etc.). Also, her clothes are fantastic and I want them all.

(Also, The Big Bang Theory might be a goofy sitcom, but if you're a nerd, it's worth watching - very funny.)

So, I recently stumbled up this music video on a friend's blog. Song aside (it's a somewhat unfortunate cover of The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited"), the video is just... it's... let me just share what I commented:

I realize the big girl's usually the butt of jokes IRL [ed: which is bad enough], but to make a music video where the three skinny pop princesses bounce around looking adorable and sexy while the plus sized girl stumbles around out of sync in bunny ears and hideous pajamas whilst looking like an ass is just too much. Jesus.

(If I macroed it, it'd be me sitting in front of the computer screen with "wat" hovering over my head.)

It's bad enough that people, especially women, an inundated with a societal tidal wave of negative body images every day. It's bad enough that plus sized girls have to face cruelty at the hands of their classmates, and their families, and how those negative body images carry into adulthood. It's bad enough that I had to stand in the dressing room at JC Penney, a size 16, not fit into a single prom dress, and have people tell me that if I just "lost 15 pounds," I'd fit into something. (I'm not bitter about that, really.) But then you see all of that ugliness packaged up into a seemingly innocuous music video, treated like it's No Big Deal (and maybe even A Little Funny), and it just kills the teeniest portion of my soul.

Yes, there have been some positive changes. But not enough.

Argh, I am all worked up now. Dammit.

*edit* Further research: She was reality show famous for being on Big Brother, fell into obscurity after the show ended, and then because reality show famous again because she had had $14,050 worth of cosmetic surgery. She's now apparently a size six.

... yay. /sarcasm

Judge rejects Craig's bid to withdraw guilty plea

Best part of the article?

In a sharply worded, 27-page order, the judge found the Idaho Republican had freely given his plea after extensive discussions with prosecutors and after waiving his right to an attorney.

"The defendant, a career politician with a college education, is of at least above-average intelligence," Porter wrote. "He knew what he was saying, reading and signing."

I find that very specific wording to be absolutely hilarious.

Also...

Illustrated BMI Categories

This is really interesting. It gives photographs of various people (and one cat) and their respective BMIs. You'd be shocked at how... how arbitrary BMI is. It's rather extraordinary.

*EDIT*

Sweeny Todd trailer AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

I was just reading CNN.com, and I noticed the headline 'Fat Actress' shows off new bikini-ready body. I clicked and began to read.

CHICAGO, Illinois (AP) -- Kirstie Alley -- who was once the "Fat Actress" -- donned a bikini to show off her new shape on "The Oprah Winfrey Show," fulfilling a pledge she made about a year ago.

Winfrey said Alley, who is 5-foot-8, has lost 75 pounds, after hitting a high of 220 pounds. Her weight gain was documented in various unflattering paparazzi photos. (Emphasis mine)

I stopped. I went back and reread that last bit.

Because, see, I'm 5'8". I'm also... somewhere... in the vicinity of 220 pounds.

I know, I know. The media sucks, beauty is on the inside, etc. etc.

I just suddenly feel disgusting.